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Quick Hack: If You Know Nothing About Databases, Always Choose MongoDB and Say Relational Databases Don't Scale

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    Andrew Blase


Ah, databases—the backbone of every tech project. If you're a software engineer or a manager overseeing a team of engineers, you've probably heard the gospel: MongoDB is the future. Why bother with the complexities of SQL when you can have a database that scales like your dreams? This blog post is for you, the brave souls who dare to question the status quo—or not.

tech bro

The Allure of MongoDB

MongoDB is the Swiss Army knife of databases. It's the database that promises to solve all your problems. Web Scale? Check. Big Data? Check. Schema-less? Double-check. Why think when you can just throw everything into MongoDB?

The "Outdated" World of SQL and PostgreSQL

SQL? That's so 1990s. And PostgreSQL? Perfect if you're writing a history paper on databases. These ancient tools are often criticized for not scaling by random tech bros, but let's be honest, who needs to scale when you can just use MongoDB?

SQL doesn't Scale. - Random Tech Bro

Anecdote: Every time I've seen MongoDB used, it was masquerading as a relational database—and failing miserably at it.

The "Evils" of Normalization and Joins

Normalization is for the weak. Why have a streamlined, efficient database when you can have the "freedom" of denormalization? And joins? Those are just evil spells cast by SQL wizards to make your life miserable.

There's a problem just waiting for every tool. - Random Tech Bro

The CAP Theorem and ACID? Who Needs Them!

What's CAP?

The CAP Theorem stands for Consistency, Availability, and Partition tolerance. It's a principle that suggests a distributed system can only achieve two out of these three guarantees. But who needs guarantees when you have MongoDB?


ACID stands for Atomicity, Consistency, Isolation, and Durability. These are properties that ensure database transactions are processed reliably. But let's be real, ACID is just a buzzkill. MongoDB offers eventual consistency, which is like the "lite" version of ACID, and that's good enough, right?

Old rusty database

Real-World "Benefits"

Joins? Who Needs Them!

Joins are just a nuisance. They're like that extra piece in a jigsaw puzzle—you think you need it, but you really don't. After all, joins don't scale beyond a single database server, and who would ever need that?

Scaling Woes? Not Here!

Joins get in the way of scaling. But guess what? MongoDB doesn't have joins, so problem solved! You can scale to your heart's content, even if you don't actually need to.

The Custom Approach to Scaling

Why rely on a database's built-in features when you can customize everything yourself? You'll eventually resort to sharding and custom caching solutions anyway, so why not start with MongoDB and make your life "easier"?

The Cost of Coherence

In the world of relational databases, you might need to spend big bucks on coherence solutions. But with MongoDB, coherence is like a free side dish that you didn't ask for but got anyway.

Design by Resume

Last but not least, let's not forget the developers who choose databases based on how good it'll look on their resume. MongoDB is a resume booster, no doubt about it. Who cares if it's the right tool for the job?

The Thrill of the Unknown with MongoDB's Lack of Strict Typing and Unstructured Data

MongoDB Typing Confusion

Ah, the joys of not knowing—MongoDB takes this to a whole new level with its lack of strict typing and unstructured data. Who needs predictability when you can live on the edge?

The Guessing Game of Data Types

In a strictly-typed world, you'd have to declare data types, ensuring that an integer is an integer and a string is a string. But MongoDB says, "Where's the fun in that?" Here, a number can become a string, and a string can become an array. It's like a data type masquerade ball!

Existential Questions: Will It Even Exist?

With MongoDB's unstructured nature, you're not just querying data; you're embarking on a philosophical journey. Will the field you're looking for even exist? Is it null, or is it just an empty string pretending to be null? The suspense is better than a mystery novel.


King Tech Bro

If you've made it this far, congratulations! You're now armed with all the "knowledge" you need to blindly choose MongoDB for your next project. The tech bros can't be wrong, MongoDB is the best.

Now let's drop the sarcasm for a moment: choosing a database should never be a one-size-fits-all decision. Both MongoDB and relational databases like PostgreSQL have their strengths and weaknesses. Choose wisely.

Had a laugh? Or maybe a cringe? Share your own "MongoDB vs. Relational Databases" stories in the comments below. Let's keep the conversation going!

Additional Resources

For those interested in actual facts, here are some resources that discuss the pros and cons of MongoDB and relational databases.

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